I want to write. I know that writing can be a positive way to handle…life. Pain. Hurts. Feelings in general.
I do have things to say, I suppose. But I don’t know that I can express myself. Well. Any more.
If I knew all the words for all the emotions with which I’ve been wrestling, I could have written a novel. In just the last 5 months.
But I don’t.
I have been using other people’s words to try and share my feelings. This helps.
But they’re not MY words.
I seem to have misplaced my ability to string together words in a consecutive order, with which to accurately share what’s on my heart and mind.
I suppose it’s fear that stops me. I’m afraid of judgment. That usually comes from my own tendency to judge other folks. I do that.
Judging comes from my defensiveness, because I feel inadequate and insecure. I guess at this point I’m afraid of what else is going to be ripped away from me.
I admit that this is where trusting God has to come in. Don’t I trust Him, though? I do.
Someone said that “faith and fear can’t co-exist in the same place”. I don’t know if that’s true or not. I have faith that God is in control. I also know that He is working things together for my BEST.
I also know that the process of growth and change can sometimes include great pain.
I don’t have as many words as I once did. I can’t think, as I once did. I am not the same person as I once was.
Not worse or less than, as a person. Just different.
Very much different.
Please don’t feel sorry for me. I don’t want pity. Pity is really a BAD thing. I don’t pity me. I don’t feel much at all for myself, really. But certainly not pity.
So, for now, I allow myself to be numb, emotionally, as much as possible. The more I can get through today, without thoughts of tomorrow or yesterday, the better. That’s what spirituality is, right? Staying. In. The. Moment.
The good news is, while I may have been placed in a hole, and covered with dirt…I am, in fact, just about to start sprouting.
I’d love to know I’m not alone…please comment below.