I know, each day, that at some point I’m gonna take a hard punch to the gut. I can only bob and weave for so long before the son of a bitch connects.
But, guess what? I’m getting stronger. I’m becoming more resilient, again.
Some days, it’s actually more annoying, that the grief keeps coming around. I KNOW it’s there. It buzzes around in my periphery, all day and night, just looking for a good time to strike. Almost like the most painful game, ever.
I know that my role, is to STAY IN TODAY. My Sponsor told me “Look a your feet. Where are you? Be there.” And the enemy is hard at work, doing his best to distract me with memories of regrets and dreams of a future that will never happen.
Ultimately, more often than not, I wipe my eyes and stare into the eyes of the devil. I remember Who is in charge; Who has my back, and Who is working ALL things together for my good. And the devil doesn’t stand a chance against my God.
I don’t want to say what I tell him, the one trying so hard to destroy me, now. You can fill in the blank.
My choice, in lieu of fighting back, is to pursue forgiveness. One of the “stages of grief” is said to be anger, and when I noticed myself drifting toward a generalised rage, I began taking steps to remedy that. A friend recommended a book, which has been helpful.
The Bait of Satan, by John Bevere is an easy read and very much scripturally-based book that delves into places a lot of Believers would much rather sweep under the rug. Anger is ugly, after all. Mr. Bevere points clearly toward the answers for resentment and woundedness, and does it without throwing any shade. (I don’t know about you but the last thing I need is to be shamed for admitting the darkness that still resides inside.)
So, today I’ve been thinking about how much I want to find my PLACE. I know that with #Jesus, I am home. With my amazing #husband, I am also very much home…
That leaves a whole lot of life still unsettled. Maybe I need to put some roots down, and the reason I’m SO freakin’ unsettled is that I have such shallow roots.
I want to know what my WORK is.
I want to recognise my CONTRIBUTION to the world is supposed to be.
So…listening to an Andrew Murray book about WAITING ON GOD.
How’s your March going? Please let me know. I want to celebrate your happiness with you. I need thinks to think about, outside of me.