But you are a Mom. You have a son.
Yes, I do, but he’s grown. I am learning how to accept him as a pseudo-adult. Mostly, I’m learning to give him space.
After my older son died, I wanted to cling to my “baby”. However, he was no longer living with me at that time. That ship had sailed before I had even realised.
So, currently, I’m working on figuring out what to do with a bunch of really messy feelings.
I think, almost daily, that I ought to shut down my social media…at least for a while. But then an old memory will pop up. I would hate to miss those. My personal memories of my children growing up are so few (I guess it’s because of ptsd), and those that I do retain are liberally mixed with things I wish I could forget.
Which leaves me here. Exactly 4 months since my baby died. Wrestling with so much fear, anger, sorrow like I’ve not known before.
I get up in the morning and quickly switch my thoughts to gratitude, similar to switching the lever in the fuse/breaker box. It has to be a fast move, so to keep the Grief locked away.
I remind myself that my younger son is doing his best, taking care of himself just fine, and God’s got him. I trust and believe those things to be true.
I know that “feelings aren’t facts”. Intellectually, I understand that the future will get better…
But right now, I just really miss being a Mom.