About a week ago, it was typical winter weather, bitter cold and windy. Here, in Virginia, schools were closed and then had a 2-hour delay. We even had a few inches of snow!
Then, a couple of days ago, the temperature rose to 70°! Bizarre, even for Virginia.
Today, my husband and I went out to run errands together, and it was a pleasant enough day.
Last night I was sitting in a meeting and a friend disclosed that about a week ago his child had completed suicide.
He has not chosen to relapse.
This is a beautiful example of the power of the spiritual program of recovery found in Alcoholics Anonymous.
I have so many things to say, and I need to say them. However, I feel like I just don’t have the words, right now. Maybe I should do an inventory to decipher what it is that I’m feeling.
Of late, my feelings are ever-changing, like quicksand…sucking me down…
In the desperate attempt to keep from feeling the emotional battery, I bob and weave furiously, dancing to avoid the right hook of pain and sorrow. More often than not, the punches land squarely.
I feel like there are a thousand emotional land mines all around me. I don’t know, maybe the death of my son was the impetus…I begin to recover from the devastation of stepping directly on a HUGE mine, then have a few days of comparable peace. Then out of the blue I step close enough to another mine, to set it off. The personal damage is much less, of course, but it ensures that my mind stays keenly on alert for any further, life-threatening explosions.
Perhaps that’s why my verbiage is at such an all-time low. 95 days in. Part of the process, I remind myself.
I am walking in the dark now, gingerly, with arms outstretched, feet carefully searching for a safe spot on which to step. Whether or not such a place exists for me, now, I cannot say.
Moving forward, I am sure to encounter more death, pain, and plenty of other things over which I am powerless. My hope is to find a place where I can focus more on the births, and the healing, and laughter. Sooner would be better than later, but it’s in God’s hands.
I am reluctant to write while my days are more painful than not. Whether or not I will continue, only time will tell.
I shall remain…looking for reasons to smile, looking for His face.