10 or so paragraphs

Hi; It’s me!

Yeah, it’s been a while, and I’ve been trying to put words to why that is, but the words aren’t coming. Yet, I must write. 

So far, 2017 hasn’t been a lot different from 2016. Hubby’s still employed, I’m working (2 part-time jobs), and the boy hates school. Nothing much has changed…and yet, some things have. 

I’ve been wanting to work on getting off of the antidepressants for a while, and apparently that time hasn’t arrived. As I sit here I think I am probably due for an increase.  

I haven’t gotten to get to any meetings to speak of, since I work so much on the weekend that by the time I get off (MAYBE) in time for Celebrate Recovery, I just want to get home and eat and then to bed. However, there are moments, too, when I think I’m squarely where I’m supposed to be, for now, even without gettign to church or meetings FOR NOW.

 I mean, I’m working at a “Home Improvement” store in the outside garden area on the weekends, and this week I begin my other part-time gig at the newly expanded Detox in a large town nearby. For the last 3 weeks, I’ve been in training M-Th, and the last 2 were spent earning a certificate that says I’ve been trained as a Peer Recovery Specialist! I’m only going to get 15 hours there, at the moment, but I am hopeful that it will turn into fulltime soon. 

I’ve been thinking about the impermanence in my life, lately, too… Why am I so used to letting go, of people, places, things, jobs, pets…? I don’t expect much of anything to last, really. It seems like that’s a symptom of PTSD, but I’m not sure. I notice the difference when I interact with folks who are more or less my age, and they’ve always lived within 100 miles of where they were born. They married once and  now,  20-30 years later, they have a family and are still happily wed. When someone talks about working in the same place for over 5 years, I get kind of lost. When they say 15-20-30 years, and they’re MY AGE, I just can’t wrap my head around it. 

 Anyway, I’m enjoying the people I work with at the Home Improvement store, and the customers are nice, too. The only real downside is that the lifting and loading of 20-50 pound bags of mulch, patio stones, and etc is making it difficult to ignore the scoliosis and the pain in my back. Being outside most of the day is good for me, I’m sure. I can’t remember the last time I was outside as much as I am there, and I like it! The flowers are all in bloom and the nursery is FULL, and I love seeing the incredible array of colors and shapes. The flowers range from the size of a pencil eraser to as big around as a softball, and the scent is almost intoxicatingly beautiful. Then there are the birds. 🙂

So, I think the problem I’ve had recently, which honestly began months ago, is that my insecurities about myself lead me to (or are caused by?) compare myself to others, and guess what? Yes, you’re right. They ALWAYS come out better than me. 

I have loved to people-watch since I was a teenager. Now I watch people to see how things are “supposed” to be done, like hair, clothes, makeup, social cues. I think it goes back to the idea of being a Pilgrim in this world that influences me to not get attached to trends, or celebrities, or…what have you. Does that make any sense? 

I’ve only begun trying to wear make-up again for the last yearr or so, after about a 25-year hiatus. Geez, the last time I looked in the mirror that often, there were NONE of the lines & wrinkles I see now. I am grateful to have lived this long, but I don’t know how I feel about AGING. 

So. That’s a lot of why I have been quiet of late. I don’t feel like I have anything encouraging or positive to say, so I stay quiet. Is that another result of the Social Media world – only showing our happy, and “UP” side? I know if I looked at most everyone’s Facebook pictures, I’d swear noone else has ever been depressed. I know that’s not the truth. Maybe a hiatus from FB/Twitter would do me good. I expect I’ll have some things to write about in the coming weeks…but for now, I’m just gonna keep on “working out my own salvation”, and see where He leads me next. 

I hope your Spring is bright and sunny. Here’s a picture of something from the Garden Center.  

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15 responses to “10 or so paragraphs

  1. Thanks for checking in Abbie. I’ve noticed your activity has been down in this new year. It’s really nice to see what you’ve been up to though, and know that all is well.

    The ‘up side’ or ‘needing to be positive’ side of social media might actually be one thing that’s afflicting me today. That, or this writing project I seemed to be stuck in.

    Liked by 3 people

  2. Sweet Abbie, you must definitely take a vacation from social media. I too have looked at photos on FB and Instagram and felt that my life was nothing compared to the lush/happy/exotic/loving pics of other people. You’re you and your life has strengths and beauties all its own. Please remember you are special and loved and so very talented. Keep writing and stay with us. You are needed.♥♥

    Liked by 1 person

      • “Comparison is the thief joy.” A quote I tell myself every day because I truly struggle when I see the “highlight reels” of everyone’s else life. I have to remember that social media is often perfectly curated and not indicative of real life.

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  3. Hey Abbie. Nothing is permanent in this life so actually; you are one step ahead of the rest☺ We also can’t be happy and preppy all the time that is a social construct that is held up by advertising and social media as the norm or the ideal. I think the society we live in causes a lot of this anxiety about how we are all ‘supposed’ to be pretty/successful/energetic/dynamic always on the go. This is an illusion created to feed this EGO based society. There is no substance there. Being quiet is beautiful and lovely. You are perfect just the way you are.

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  4. Hi Abbie!
    So glad to hear from you.
    The garden store would be fun and hard at the same time!
    Being outside would give you some good vitamin D!
    Comparing myself to other people is what I do a lot and I don’t come out ahead either.
    Taking a break from social media would help me, too.
    I know some people do it for a week.
    It’s very hard for those of us who compare ourselves to see all the FB stuff.
    We never know what is going on.

    You are not them, they are not you.
    You are a beautiful, loving person, and I wish you a wonderful weekend.
    xo
    Wendy

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Hey Abby. Have you ever heard of futureme.org. I am not affiliated with them in any way but the reason I bring it up is because every year around my birthday I write an email to my next year’s self. It’s kinda funny cuz I’ve been doing it for the past five years and I guess the biggest realization is how different one year can be from the next. Or sometimes it’ll seem like nothing has changed. Anyways this blog post just reminded me of that lol.

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