It’s a “We” program

No matter how many times I hear about someone I know dying from the disease of addiction, it still feels like a punch in the gut,  then as if the heaviest, darkest storm cloud has descended and is following my every move. 

I found out this morning that a woman with whom I’d been inseparable for a time in early recovery had died…as a direct result of her addiction. 

I remember her as being friendly, outspoken, tons of fun, and unable to stop the slow suicide that comes in a bottle, or a baggie, or… whatever. 

Back when we hung out, she carrried around with her a 64 oz.”polar pop”- EVERYWHERE, including meetings. At some point, I can’t remember when, exactly, I discovered that there was much more than Pepsi in there. 

Then a few years later I discovered that my friend was struggling to put together a few days sober. I made sure she knew that I was there for her.

When a newcomer at the Women’s meeting we both attended mentioned that this same friend of mine was Sponsoring her, I asked her how long her Sponsor had been sober and she said “a couple of years.” The truth was, it hadn’t been a week. My friend was so much like every other addict… We’re so “smart” that we outsmart the part of us that wants to LIVE. I prayed that she would find a Higher Power that could remove the obsession. 

My friend could recite the Steps, Traditions, and How it Works from memory. She knew how to welcome the newcomers, and the not-so-new comers. She made people feel “a part of”, and she was generous to a fault. 

I’m so sorry that she never won the fight. She really was a fighter, too. 

Sometimes one has to die so that others can live. At least that’s what they tell me. I’m so tired of grieving. But it’s the price we pay for loving. So I guess I’ll get used to it. ❤ May we learn from everyone whose path we cross. 

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10 responses to “It’s a “We” program

  1. I am so sad for Billie and all who are impacted by her death…especially, you, Abbie. And, I say that because you are the only one I’m (directly) connected to who was connected to Billie. I can only imagine how gut-wrenching this news must be…you are so brave and generous to share your pain so that this tragic loss can give meaning to others…me included, obviously. Bless her sweet, sweet heart–Billy must have been one of those souls too tender to endure the demons that seek to take us all out…but for the grace of God, go I. Thank you for sharing, Abbie…you are making an invaluable difference in this world…

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  2. Sorry for the loss of your friend. Pain and recovery go hand in hand. How many years did I hid in a bottle to protect myself from pain. When sober and clean, I opened myself up to joy and to pain. There have been times where both of them have wanted me to scuttle back to the bottle. If not for friends, for the grace of my higher power, for what seems like dumb luck at times, I have somehow stayed sober. I know, for sure, that I cannot stay sober on my own, I need all of you. I need to trust in something bigger than me.

    The alano club, near by, has a bulletin board full of obituaries. Some who have died sober, some to tried to sober up and gave up because the pain was to much for them, We have to bear the pain together because I cannot do it alone.

    My favourite part of a meeting is the end, when we join hands in a circle and recite the serenity prayer. I get to be part of the whole. Your post was great, thank you for sharing with us, for sharing your pain. Much appreciated.

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  3. I attend, not regularly, ACOA meetings. Not nearly enough. I am codependent and anxious as the day Is long. And my current beau (I can’t diagnose) most likely has an alcoholic dependency problem. He is fine on his own and prefers to be alone. I am the screaming opposite of that. I see and meet people like this woman when I go to meetings. Some of the nicest people. Addiction knows no color or age. My sympathies to you.

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    • Thank you for sharing your thoughts. For me, until I got some counseling and spent some time alone, I kept getting with basically the same guy. Time alone allowed me the opportunity to look at my part and decide what my deal-breakers would be. I also have gone to ACOA/alanon meetings. They were extremely helpful. 🌷

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