First. Thought. Wrong.
Within the first 6 months of my sobriety, I had a crash course in powerlessness, and all I could do was give it to God. At that time, my relationship with Him was, well, dubious. I began, then, to understand that I had better keep my heart linked to Him in the calm(er) times, because when “life showed up” I would need to have a straight path to His throne.
No self-pity for me, thanks
When I told people about my baby’s medical condition, some of them would get a pitying (my perception) look on their face. I can appreciate that, now. I mean, what are ypu supposed to say/do in that situation?
At that time, however, I had learned to compartmentalize my feelings about it. I don’t know how much I ever stopped doing that, even after living with the situation for this long.
It’s not about me
My mindset, during that awkward moment when the person was feeling sorry for me (again, my perception, at the time) was matter-of-fact: My baby is fragile, and my existence at this time is entirely about caring for him. I didn’t have time for my feelings in the matter. I also didn’t have the energy for dealing with my feelings. They were irrelevant. It was Not. About. Me.
Not feeling can’t be a fulltime thing
That’s not to say that I never let the feelings out. I cried a lot at the Children’s hospital. And I cried and cussed at meetings. A lot. Because it was safe, there, to feel.
I had someone ask me “Don’t you ever wonder ‘Why me’?” And that is a thing that I’ve wrestled with, for sure. The answer I found, for me, is “Why not me?”
At the women’s treatment facility where I lived when I had B, there were a LOT of babies. Perfect and beautiful. My baby was beautiful, to be sure…but why did we get dealt the sh*tty hand?
Roll them dice
I have concluded that terrible things just ARE. I’m certainly no better or worse than the women who were blessed with healthy babies. Sure, some things are the natural consequences of poor choices. And other things are just a roll of the dice.
but God
But I haven’t gone through a minute of it alone. I’ve run back into His waiting arms. And I continue to do so. It’s all I can do.
Posted from my hut in the forest.
Abbie In Wondrland 
It is hard to accept the concept of bad things happen randomly when the bad thing happens to your child. It is something that I have to work on everyday.
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I think “random” is the only way I can accept it. Otherwise I’m back to the cruel and malicious god of my former understanding.
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Don’t go there. Random it is for sure. That is why my tag line reads there are 11’507 stories in Haddonfield and this is one of them.
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Love it! Thanks again!
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I had occasions when people tell me I have had some bad luck, or why did that happened to me, to which I say, good and bad things happen everyday, to a lot of people. One day it had to be me, I’m no special, or have no super power to stop dab things happening. It happens and we deal with it the best way possible. Wish all gets well.
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Yes, you’re so right. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
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Fascinating to read your reflections on your relationship with God. I don’t fell able to reciprocate because I’m not sure what my relationship with God is – if I even have one. So thanks for offering your thoughts up for us, from your hut in the forest. Your post has made me think. Love from The Sober Garden.
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Thank you for such encouraging words! I do love to write, but knowing that people are reading it and benefiting from my words…what a blessing.
Thanks dear!
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