Remember the first time you got high? Yeah, the first time I got drunk (high came later), I felt like I’d finally discovered my reason for living. A couple of shots later, I was falling down and throwing up. Everywhere.
From that time to the last, I was chasing the elusive “Perfect Buzz”. Sure, I saw it occasionally, but it was a fleeting glance at best, as I charged on after the next drink, or toke, or pill, or snort, or…
Fast forward a few years. By this time I’ve been falling down and throwing up (it was, for real, “how I roll”) in several states and even a couple of other countries. Putting myself in increasingly more reckless situations, driving my self-esteem deeper and deeper into the ground with every choice to betray my -true- self.
But still I pressed on. I just knew that the next high would be The One. Of course it never was. I’d estimate that out of an 8-hour drinking and drug-fest, there might have been an average of an hour in which I was still coherent and able to act like an adult. A silly adult, sure, but nevertheless, I wasn’t a danger to myself or others.
But the addiction required that I suit up and show up, day after day after night after night. Once I took my rent money and payed for myself & several “friends” to rent a room, I think it was on a beach. To be completely honest, I wasn’t awake for longer than it took to get there and MAYBE check in. Yeah. I was that one. I knew that I didn’t have anuthing personally that would make you want to keep me company, so given the opportunity, I was more than willing to buy some time. Pretty sad, isn’t it? And this is just the things I’m willing to tell the world.
But that’s not nearly the worst. I’m sure if you’re anything like I was, that you can finish the story, fill in the blanks. I was definitely a black-out drinker. Always tryin to get the right combination in the right order to keep from getting sick. (Pot first, then copious amounts of booze? Or drink first, then smoke?) Of course anything that went up my nose went with everything.
So, what are your plans tonight? If you’re debating going out, I hope I’ve given you some food for thought. You don’t have to go. You could hit a meeting, or just find some good online sobriety.
Posted from my cabin in the desert.