Thanks a lot, Buzzkill!

So, I was driving home from yet another mind-numbing trip to Malwart, listening to the most recent (long awaited, even!) edition of the Buzzkill Podcast, and at the end of it, our fearless host asked this question:
“Describe your first 30 days of recovery?”
So, as I’d been tossing around thoughts of what I might write about today, I latched onto this. I happened to have printed out a couple pages worth of feeling words not long ago, to help me better express myself to you, my lovely readers. Yes, even after all this time, I’m still not completely fluent in Emotions.

Here are the words that initially came to me:
frustrated                                                                   over-whelmed
desperate                                                                          confused
Yeah. I think that with a few less intense emotions floating around, and maybe a couple of thoughts that weren’t feelings, those words pretty well cover it.
I thought about how the adjectives that came immediately to my mind were all really strong feeling words, and you know, it makes sense.
After so many years of doing EVERYTHING in my power to avoid feeling anything, in the first 30 days, OF COURSE the feelings that arrived came in like a flood of Noah-like proportions. I was almost instantly more self-conscious than I’d ever remembered being, and I felt like I’d just been dropped down onto a really scary planet. Actually, I used to tell people that reality was BY FAR the biggest trip I’d ever experienced. It stayed that way for quite a long time.
Today, if you asked me what how I would describe the last 30 days, I’d use very different words. Words like

intentional                                       prayerful
free                                                 awkward
spiritual                                            emotional
It’s taken every event and every moment between the first month and today to get to this place: I feel things but my feelings don’t dictate my actions. I credit the desperation that made me willing to CHOOSE to trust again. Willing to follow directions, in hopes that these people were telling me the truth.
So, there you have it. If you’d like to know more about my first 180 days or so, you can go check it out here, where I was honored to tell some of my story recently on Recovery Rockstars.
So, how about you? Do any of those adjectives sound familiar? How would you describe your first 30 days?


4 responses to “Thanks a lot, Buzzkill!

  1. Oh wow thanks Abbie! I have to say that this is the first time someone has done a blog post on a question!

    Anyway, I totally get those first-30 emotions, especially overwhelmed. Everything was TOO much at the beginning. It was all because of those pesky emotions! How dare I feel? What I love about this post is how you balance it with how you have been feeling these last 30 days. Maybe I will share mine as well – great idea!

    Thank you for this, Abbie – can’t wait to share this!


    Liked by 1 person

    • I was just waiting for your podcast. 🙂 I tell ya, if I get a working radio in mycar, my writing will surely suffer.
      Thanks for commenting! It means a lot!


  2. The first 30 days… hmmm, I now (!) remember them as happy that I quit and a rollercoaster of emotions, I was tired and happy that I quit, and very confused about stuff popping up and still happy that I quit. I also remember eagerness for this new thing, the sober life, the freedom, the not talking myself down, the not hating myself over drinking, the not being depressed to a level where my daily thoughts revolved around wanting to kill myself. Aaah, happy that I quit. 🙂 ❤ 🙂

    My mom thought me this amazing thing, she said 'I have cancer and I am dying from it, but that does not mean I can not enjoy what is going on in my life NEXT to that.' Amen.

    xx, Feeling

    Liked by 1 person